Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Always Winter and Never Christmas

I haven’t blogged in a while. I’ve been waiting till I settled into a better frame of mind before hoisting myself upon the masses but it’s winter and my mood has been getting worse, not better so I figured fuck it, the only people who stumble upon my blog are Russians searching for depressing sentences* so, really, this is right up their alley.

So, here’s the deal, I’m depressed.

Well, when I’m at work I’m pretty much ok. I do my job in a surprisingly cheerful manner. I help out and joke around with my co-workers. It’s not an act. I’m actually feeling what most would describe as happiness, or at least contentment. Then I get home and it’s like I stepped through the wardrobe into a Narnia without Aslan.

The funk has been slowly building for a while. I wasn’t happy in my relationship so I ended it. And then I became more-un-happier. Then my brother got engaged. Then my cousin got engaged. And it’s not that I’m not happy for them (cause I really, really am), it’s just that I would be happier for them if I were happier for me.

The cherry on the top was developing a silly little office crush that made me feel like an awkward twelve year old. And believe me when I tell you that I did not enjoy twelve the first time around and was not happy to go there again. I’m thirty, damnit, (God, that’s frightening to see typed out) when does the "I am woman hear me roar" kick in?

I miss my ex. And I miss having a boyfriend. Especially now with Christmas just about here. I want to snuggle and watch The Muppet Christmas Carol. I want someone to get me and love me and hold my hand while we’re walking to the car. But I don’t have any of that and it doesn’t look like I’ll be checking them off my list anytime soon so instead, I wallow.

This weekend I bailed on attempts at social interaction so that I could stay home and self medicate with hot chocolate and ABC Family holiday specials the way alcoholics self medicate by getting knackered and assaulting police officers.

Something called “Holiday in Handcuffs” made me cry. It’s about a woman (Melissa Joan Hart) who suffers a bit of a nervous break down and kidnaps a man (Mario Lopez) so that she can bring him home for Christmas to pretend to be her boyfriend. And then they fall in love. You have no idea how embarrassed I am typing this right now. There were actual tears falling out of my face and I think I’m going to go find a sword to fall on because really what’s the point of going on if you're jealous of Stockholm Syndrome love?

I also watched “Christmas Cupid” and “Christmas Caper” and then I fell into a coma.

The thing is, on the grand scheme of things I have a pretty great life. I get that. I’m grateful for that. It just doesn’t feel all that great right now. It’s pretty messed up how the one thing I’m missing makes all the things I do have (great friends, family, job, roof over my head, a savings account, free time to do things that I love) seem so insignificant. It’s just wrong. But I feel what I feel and all I can do is push through the forest and hopefully the ground will start to thaw and it will be Spring somewhere.

*No, seriously, I looked up my stats there is a surprising amount of Russian traffic here- I really have no idea why. Also, an alarmingly large number of people google “depressing sentences” and find my blog. Most depressing sentence ever Is the 3d result. Look at me making a name for myself on the googles.

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