Sunday, July 29, 2012
Dementors and Other Excuses
My goal of blogging every week has had a bit of a set back. Last weekend I was out of town for a family event so, I put blogging on the back burner. Then I got home and things started to unravel in me. Things in general have been a little off, been feeling like I'm just not where I want to be and not quite sure how to get there. Then I had one of those weeks where it feels like a Dementor is standing on my chest. I had been deluding myself about a relationship and last week I was disabused of that delusion. And it sucks. It really really sucks. There's been a lot of pain and panic. Thursday I had a "sick day" because I couldn't eat, couldn't breathe properly, couldn't think about anything for too long without getting dizzy. When the one person who knows you better than anyone else in the entire world decides that they don't want to see you anymore, it's hard not to let that destroy you. The worst part is that I'm the one who ruined the relationship in the first place. To feel like this, like small parts of me are dying and bloating and filling up all the spaces where things like air and food are supposed to go- to feel like this and know that the only person I have to scream at is myself, it's hard to figure out what to do with any of that. It's hard not to just let the Dementor have his way with me. My mind sometimes just goes there. And it's calming. Thinking about giving up, it's like imagining yourself on a beach somewhere that you never have to leave. It just seems...so easy... So, I just keep telling myself that I'm stronger than this. I keep telling myself that everything will be ok. I keep telling myself that there are people and things worth fighting for, that I am worth fighting for and I am more than what I feel right now. And I'm not always going to feel like this. And I'm going to keep telling myself all that until I start to believe some of it.